P.U.S.H.

The past 12 months have been full of learning experiences. What it really means to grieve..... What it really means to lose.... But most importantly.... what it really means to try..... 

I'm not gonna lie guys.... I've been a wreck. I've felt alone... I've felt disconnected.... I've felt inadequate... I've felt a lot of messed up emotions.... But I'm ok. I've toppled over... Several times. But I think it's most important in these times to just.......stop......take a breathe... Cry if you have to..... And pray.

Now more than ever before in my life, faith has played it's roll..... I've found myself at times lately unable to see from tears... And alone in my sorrow... Quietly and urgently praying.... For comfort.. For peace... For strength.... for understanding. The Lord does not answer prayers on our time... I've learned that... But he does answer prayers... So I P.U.S.H..... I Pray Until Something Happens.....

This morning my wife took another pregnancy test. And it was negative... Again... And though I'm sure she didn't see it.. And the more I think about it now I didn't either at the time.. It hurts... Still... The same... Just the same..... But I push.... I pray until something happens.....

God Is Good.... all the time... Not just when I think he should be.... #LOVE

On an island....

When I was little we would spend our summers in New England. Not far from where my grandparents lived there was a small seaside oasis(or so it seamed when i was younger) called plum island. Myself being a fisherman I think this is where that all began... Whenever I used to think of islands I would always go back to those treasured few memories of playing on those beaches... Most people associate islands with serenity... A hammock... A cold drink... The shade of a few palms... Peace

I can't help but feel lately that I'm on a different kind of island... Alone(wether I'm in solitude or the best of company)... Sad(beyond any heartache I've known)... Inadequate.... 

Bless my wife for the strength and courage she has possessed.. I'm never going to understand what she's going through..ever....

I know I'm not alone in my pain... But there are times where I can barely lift my head in sadness...

As a husband I see it as my primary purpose to make the woman I have married as happy, comfortable and secure as I possibly can...

So what do I do when all she wants I can't give her?.....

As of late I have fallen short in small areas... But let's be honest... There is no small error in the emotionally overloaded world of a hormonal woman... But still I hurt... Not because I'm wrong necessarily.. But because she is upset, or sad.. Or whatever.. 

This is not easy..... I will say again this past year has presented me with some of the hardest times in my life....

-alone on an island- hallucinating about angel babies- keeping the faith....

-DanRo

Empathy

When I started this blog I didn't really know where it would take me or how it would work out. I certainly wasn't crying for attention. Just longing for peace of mind....

I thought it would be difficult after a few posts to keep the ball rolling.... But here I am writing again... Sometimes it's the only way I can make sense of anything.

Apart from our infertility struggles, I have had some health issues of my own. I've had abdominal pain for a few months now. But I feel like it has become progressively worse the past few weeks. Under my Dr.'s orders I went in for an ultrasound of my abdomin this morning.

I've never had this procedure. Though very uninvasive, it hurt.. Her pushing on my sore spots...  Brandy and I had decided months ago that if we ever conceive. There will be no ultrasound... I won't expand on our reasoning.. But If you are curious I'm open on my opinions :) .. Before I Ieft the hospital this morning I posted to Facebook that I had left the procedure using the the word "ultrasound" which I was skeptical of because of its association with pregnancy and well... To be frank. We aren't pregnant... And I'm very frustrated with that.....and the melancholy words "..now, we wait."

Well sure enough the questions came in.. Are you guys pregnant?? One after another.... Wrenching... It's so awful to meet peoples excited inquiries with a bitter taste...... That's not me.... 

Some may not know.. But I am an empath... I'm very hypersensitive to moods and emotions. And I'm very good at reading people... The worst feeling in the world (for me) is the disappointment someone else feels towards me... And I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of pple today.... But most importantly... I'm disappointing myself.. I need to meditate on how I'm handling everything today.. I may find the answers, I may not.. Patient and prayerful.... Tears or none.

Coping

Today has been hard so far.... And I don't mean that in a debilitating depressed and down way... My whole life I have been driven by desires. Wether that desire was a new guitar.. A ticket to the next big show.. A new record. Whatever.. Monetary... That's what it always was.. And If I didn't get it I was sad...

I think as men we are driven by our wants . A sense of immediate gratification is much more appealing than a hunt through a dense jungle in search of your prize.

So when your desires change from something monetary to something that brings with it astounding emotional attachment... How do you cope?

this has been the most maturing period in my life... And as a man I never knew I could hurt so bad over something like this. 

"Sad" that's word I used at the beginning of this post.. And though sorrow is a huge part of what I'm feeling.. "Sad" just doesn't seem to sum it up.

My heart aches... I long to be a father...

-DanRo

Where to start...

For those of you who know me. I'm big on words. I like to find the perfect word for the perfect moment. That being said, you may also notice that my capitalization and punctuation are not %100 here. That's because this blog is intended to be my outlet. Not a literary magazine.

Now.. Back to the words. I've always considered myself to be somewhat of a poet. Certainly nothing of Frost's caliber ... Maybe Ginsberg or Dickinson when my heart feels it just right. words are my instrument of emotion In this life.... So what about the moments lately where I am speechless.. For those who care enough to have read this far.. This is my story.. I hope maybe my words here can help some of you in YOUR speechless moments.

I am 24 years old.. 25 this coming may... My wife and I have been together now for  2 years married for 18 months. My wife changed everything that I THOUGHT was crucial and necessary.. For the better...  Now I'm horrible with time frames and flashbacks but about 10 months ago my wife and I had a pregnancy scare... We both got kind of excited and hopeful though it was a surprise and very unplanned... Well her period came ( late) and we both felt a little uncertain of our emotions. We talked and decided that we wouldn't actively try... But we wouldn't be to cautious either... Some of you I'm sure find this scenario very familiar.. Well.. Her next cycle came.. Late .. Later... " ok let's take a test." Positive. We were excited.. So excited.. But we decided to wait to tell anyone.. A wise choice considering the event a week or so later when she miscarried(speechless).. We were devastated.. Naturally.. However I felt lower than I have ever felt before in my life.. Over being a dad??? Blindsided by my emotions(speechless).... I have told a handful of my close friends.. But here I will tell you all... This is the HARDEST thing I have EVER dealt with in my ENTIRE life.. And some shit has gone down in the past. ...

We decided to keep trying and with her next cycle we found the familiar excitement of a late period... Though feeling more cautious of that now... We took a test. positive again! We decided after about a week to tell several people... And to our horror.. A week later. We had the second miscarriage(speechless).... A month passed and the same routine ripped through our hearts like a hollow point slug(speechless).... We've taken steps.. Towards hormone adjustments... And DNA checks.... But for now... All I can be is patient and prayerful... More posts to come... The more the merrier on this journey... I'm reaching out.... Anyone else can do the same.... Peace and love....

-DanRo