On an island....

When I was little we would spend our summers in New England. Not far from where my grandparents lived there was a small seaside oasis(or so it seamed when i was younger) called plum island. Myself being a fisherman I think this is where that all began... Whenever I used to think of islands I would always go back to those treasured few memories of playing on those beaches... Most people associate islands with serenity... A hammock... A cold drink... The shade of a few palms... Peace

I can't help but feel lately that I'm on a different kind of island... Alone(wether I'm in solitude or the best of company)... Sad(beyond any heartache I've known)... Inadequate.... 

Bless my wife for the strength and courage she has possessed.. I'm never going to understand what she's going through..ever....

I know I'm not alone in my pain... But there are times where I can barely lift my head in sadness...

As a husband I see it as my primary purpose to make the woman I have married as happy, comfortable and secure as I possibly can...

So what do I do when all she wants I can't give her?.....

As of late I have fallen short in small areas... But let's be honest... There is no small error in the emotionally overloaded world of a hormonal woman... But still I hurt... Not because I'm wrong necessarily.. But because she is upset, or sad.. Or whatever.. 

This is not easy..... I will say again this past year has presented me with some of the hardest times in my life....

-alone on an island- hallucinating about angel babies- keeping the faith....

-DanRo

Empathy

When I started this blog I didn't really know where it would take me or how it would work out. I certainly wasn't crying for attention. Just longing for peace of mind....

I thought it would be difficult after a few posts to keep the ball rolling.... But here I am writing again... Sometimes it's the only way I can make sense of anything.

Apart from our infertility struggles, I have had some health issues of my own. I've had abdominal pain for a few months now. But I feel like it has become progressively worse the past few weeks. Under my Dr.'s orders I went in for an ultrasound of my abdomin this morning.

I've never had this procedure. Though very uninvasive, it hurt.. Her pushing on my sore spots...  Brandy and I had decided months ago that if we ever conceive. There will be no ultrasound... I won't expand on our reasoning.. But If you are curious I'm open on my opinions :) .. Before I Ieft the hospital this morning I posted to Facebook that I had left the procedure using the the word "ultrasound" which I was skeptical of because of its association with pregnancy and well... To be frank. We aren't pregnant... And I'm very frustrated with that.....and the melancholy words "..now, we wait."

Well sure enough the questions came in.. Are you guys pregnant?? One after another.... Wrenching... It's so awful to meet peoples excited inquiries with a bitter taste...... That's not me.... 

Some may not know.. But I am an empath... I'm very hypersensitive to moods and emotions. And I'm very good at reading people... The worst feeling in the world (for me) is the disappointment someone else feels towards me... And I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of pple today.... But most importantly... I'm disappointing myself.. I need to meditate on how I'm handling everything today.. I may find the answers, I may not.. Patient and prayerful.... Tears or none.